We’ve all been there: You’re in a Lovecraft story. You have just discovered a horribly ancient secret, and are about to get eaten by an evil alien god (or cats). The last thought you have before you die: Why did nobody tell me I was going to die?
But we can change this! I present: the HPL Survival Guide! It provides a number of useful tips that keep you from being eaten or going utterly insane! This was inspired by TCOW’s “How to spot an Investigator” and ED’s creepypasta survival guide (don’t look it up, ED will shatter your sanity).
1. Ancestors are dangerous, especially if they’re dead. Do not investigate your ancestors’ history. If you live where they lived, leave the place and never come back. If you don’t live there, do not go there. If someone writes you that you should come, still don’t go there.
2. If your town/city has a special building you’re interested in, don’t go there. If strange people own the thing, don’t speak with them.
3. If you have a creepy friend, don’t visit his place. If you have a quite normal friend who has a creepy girlfriend, expect him to die. It makes it easier when he finally does. If you have a creepy friend with a creepy girlfriend, get the f@#k away from them.
4. Although it might not help against great old ones, a revolver is always useful. Helps especially if you should be held up in East Providence. However, try to make sure that you can’t shoot at yourself if possessed by alien things.
5. If a friendly person walks up to you and politely asks you if you want to join a cool cult, decline this offer politely. No matter how cool the person is. Cultists have a very short lifespan.
6. If you see the ancient evil tome you’ve been searching for on sale in a book store, don’t buy it. Generally, if you search for an ancient evil tome, it might be a good idea to commit yourself to a mental institution.
7. If you want to move to a new place, check it before. If there are any cursed places or local superstitions, don’t go there. If you already live there, move the f@#k away from there.
8. There is this fantastic elder place where no human being has been for aeons? There’s a reason why no one goes there. This means that YOU also shouldn’t go there.
9. If you have weird dreams, don’t go to a doctor. Go to an archaeologist. They’re much more helpful, believe me.
10. If you hear buzzing voices in imitation of human speech which make surprising offers to you on roads and cart-paths in the deep woods, don’t accept. Don’t listen. Run away screaming. If you are the one making such voices, run away as well. Your victim might have a gun.
11. If you happen to be raiding an ancient tomb or similar place, don’t take anything you find there with you. It never ends well.
12. If you need to fight an evil sanity-shattering creature, don’t trust any weapon. Phone Miskatonic University and say loud and clear “Get me Armitage. It’s serious.”
13. Generally, avoid the following places: East Asia, Arabia, Antarctica, Western Europe (you know, all those witch cults there!), the South Central states and the Miskatonic Valley.
14. If it has tentacles, run away. If it has an unpronounceable name, run away. If it’s not anglo-saxon, run away. If it wears a black suit & tie and writes weird fiction, don’t run away. It’s just Howie.
15. Get a dog. Buy it a gas mask and protective goggles. It’s always a good investment.